Welcome to Men’s Hour, the weekly blog formatted podcast where we have three men of different age, occupation and race discuss issues that men are currently facing in the world today. We are partly funded by male suicide prevention charities and are focussed on tackling male mental health and social attitudes towards men speaking openly. Every week we try and discuss a topic that not only affects men but one that men find difficult to talk openly about. We are breaking down the wall of oppression, the wall of silence…. Anyway enough of all that heavy stuff. Let’s get crackin’, shall we? Tonight we’re discussing happy endings and why you shouldn’t feel ashamed about getting one. If anything you should be recommending them to your peers. The health benefits of a happy ending massage can vastly improve your general health- and there’s never any harm in sorting out that!
On the panel today we have everyone’s favourite GP and beer brewing enthusiast Liam, father of three and driving instructor Jack, along with baby face film student Connor- and of course myself, your host and resident panellist Professor Martin Hang, male mental health advocate and openly gay man.
Martin Hang:
“So, we’ll start with you, Doctor. As you are in the medical profession can you shed some light on these rumoured statistics that have been circulating in the media this week- statistics indicating that happy ending massages are beneficial for improving general health?”
Liam:
“Yes, Martin, I can. Basically I wholeheartedly agree with the statistics. Going for a happy ending massage means that you are getting yourself a full body massage which will inevitably remove tensions and aches from your muscles. It is actually really important to not neglect your muscles and joints as not taking care of them and stretching them can cause long term issues like muscle spasms, strains, and terrible posture. A happy ending massage is also good for your blood pressure as it helps the body pump blood around your body and strengthen your heart muscles. Heart attacks are one of the leading cause of death in males over 50, this is mostly due to lack of exercise and low blood pressure. A happy ending massage is also an excellent cure for headaches; stress builds up in small cavities in the brain putting unwarranted pressure on the organ. One of the only ways to release this pressure is through the release of endorphins. Sexual endorphins are actually the most powerful and most effective at relieving stress induced headaches. A happy ending massage is the perfect balance of muscle massage with sexual elements. Some people won’t feel comfortable going for a massage because they’re worried it could be seen as cheating on their partner. Perhaps if you went for full service but a happy ending massage is perfectly fine, whether you’re married or not.”
Martin Hang:
“Fascinating stuff. So professionally speaking you believe that going for a massage can cure headaches, improve blood circulation, increase blood pressure and prevent long-term muscle damage?”
Liam:
“Precisely. I know what people think about these kinds of massages and have assumptions about the type of people that vacate them but honestly ignore all the stereotypes. Go for yourself, go for your health.”
Martin Hang:
“Now let’s get another point of view in the mix. Jack, you’re a father and a respected man in your local community.”
Jack:
“Er, yea I can’t say I disagree with any of that. I suppose I am.”
Martin Hang:
“Well then. What do you make of all this?”
Jack:
“Truthfully?”
Martin Hang:
“Of course, there’s no pretence on this panel.”
Jack:
“Well alright, I suppose I’ll be honest with you then. I mean this is actually kind of embarrassing but my first was at a massage parlour. My Dad was a tough man, and I looked up to him a lot but this came with a lot of pressure too. When I was 18 I felt dead embarrassed like that I’d never been with a girl before and my Dad was always on at me asking if I was a puff like. I mean. Sorry Martin.”
Martin Hang:
“No that’s quite alright, I’m comfortable with who I am. Carry on.”
Jack:
“Well as I was saying, and all the lads too, they were always shagging girls or talking about shagging girls and I had no idea how sex even worked. I couldn’t even talk to girls. I was scared if I got chatting with a girl she might want me to shag her and I wouldn’t know how and she’d tell everyone, or I’d be dead rubbish and she’d tell everyone. These insecurities made it impossible for me to get a girlfriend, as you can imagine. My Dad sat me down one day and said, son it’s about time you became a man, and we got in his car and he drove us to a parlour. I was bricking it but he stop that car and said that in order to get over all this stuff going on in my head I just needed to get on with it. So I did. I didn’t get full service mind. I just got a happy ending massage, and well, it was nice. The masseuse led and I followed, she was nice looking too. Afterwards I felt great, I think I might have even been good, you know. About two weeks later I was at the pub with my mates and I met Carol- she was beautiful and before getting that massage there’s no way I would’ve had the confidence to speak to her. We’ve been married for nearly 15 years now.”
Martin Hang:
That’s a beautiful story, Jack. And I think you’ve hit on some really interesting points. The pressure on a young man to not only lose his virginity-pressure put on him by friends and family but also the crippling expectation that said the boy will know what he’s doing once the situation is put in front of him. Schools do not teach teenagers adequately about sex, sexual education in this country is a joke. By taking you to a massage parlour your father gave you, some might argue, an extremely hands-on, lesson in sex. But however you want to look at it- as you say- without the confidence you gained by getting a massage you might never have plucked up the courage to ask out your lovely wife.
Jack:
“Exactly, yea.”
Liam:
“And I think a man’s confidence is often an assumed trait, as though all men are boisterous and know everything about everything. When in reality, a large number of young men deal with anxiety and low self-esteem. If going for a massage can help relieve some of that internal struggle then why not!”
Martin Hang:
“Thanks once again Liam, you took the words right of my mouth. Now, let’s turn to the youngest member of the panel. Connor, speaking on behalf of Generation, what do they call you? Generation.”
Connor:
“Z? Or is it X? I don’t know to be honest. I’m a millennial anyway.”
Martin Hang:
“Alright well as a representative of the millennial generation, how do you view erotic massages?”
Connor:
“Well it’s funny, as a student I have no problem getting girls and I s’pose I’ve fallen into thinking it’s always going to be that easy. But the thing is, I’m in my final year now and my twin brother George – he never went to uni, he got on a scheme right out of school, works in London and is now on a good wage. Last time or no the time before that, I went to see him he was a mess. Working long hours, I’m talking 5 in the morning til late at night, but that’s what it’s like there he says, and you can’t call it unfair cuz they’ll just get someone to replace you. You’re dispensable, completely. Now George was always a relationship guy, him and his ex-broke up when he moved to London and he’s really struggled to meet anyone. He hasn’t got time to go on Tinder, go out on dates. And the times he has he’s ending up feeling as though he’s messed a girl around because he can’t make time for her. So he took a break from dating, spent months just focussing on work and he got in a bad way. Basically he was dead horny and he told me he’d got this number off a guy in work- for a massage parlour. At first I took the piss out of him like, I was just like let’s go to a bar! I’ll find you a girl an so on. Well we went out and man, girls in London aren’t like any girls I know. We didn’t even manage to buy one a drink. So at 1am, pissed we rolled up at this massage parlour. The next morning George was out on a run. He looked brighter, happier. A month later he was fitter, going to interesting parties, he was comfortable with himself. It was that massage, I know it was. So, I can see how you know, even for some Millennials, erotic massages can be a lifeline.”
Martin Hang:
“Fascinating stuff. Thanks for sharing that with us Connor- another relatable and different experience. The modern working man, fighting to keep his head above water in the big city. I think it is more difficult to meet someone nowadays. Tinder hasn’t improved dating it’s just created virtual connections and caused people to stray away from genuine social interaction. The human touch is so important and the more time we spend online the less we are interacting with the real world. An erotic massage is a great way for anyone stuck in the office day and night to still connect with someone in an intimate way.”
Connor:
“Yeah, that’s what I mean.”
Martin Hang:
“Did your brother get full service or happy ending?”
Connor:
“Oh, only a happy ending I think. To start off with anyway, the guy from work said that was the best gateway massage if you’ve never done it before.”
Martin Hang
“Would you go for one?”
Connor:
“Oh, I have yeah, honestly after exam season; a happy ending massage can really sort you out. It’s not like getting wanked off by some random girl that doesn’t really know what she’s doing- you’re getting massaged by a professional, a woman that really knows how to make you feel good. I’d recommend it to anyone.”
Martin Hang:
“Right well, we’re running out of time here but I’d just like to say a big thank you to my panellists and please- anyone reading this feel free to drop a comment in the box below. Let’s open this discussion up. What do you think? Would you get a happy ending massage? Have you? I look forward to hearing from you.”
“Until next time. Goodbye.”
If you have enjoyed reading about our weekly podcast, why not visit Sensual Adventure and book your very own happy ending massage with us. One thing is for sure, you won’t be disappointed.
